Being uncomfortable

In order left to right - Amanda H., Karen and Me

     I met my friend Amanda H. for coffee today.  I met her through wifey-Amanda.  After moving to Raleigh to teach elementary school PE, she moved in with me and my roomates for one year.  She is one of the nicest and most indearing people I know.  This picture was taken at my friend Karen's wedding.   On the 2-hour road trip back in May 2012, I told Amanda I was considering a lung transplant.  Today, I told her that I have almost finished the evaluation and will most likely get one in the near future at Duke.  Needless to say, she was very supportive and positive.  We talked a good while about the process, and she encouraged me to continue getting out and talking to people about my feelings (good or bad).  I know she will always be there for me.  *Tears*

     During our conversation, she expressed how uncomfortable medical testing can be, even if it's not painful.  She has been having bouts of kidney stones and recently had a CT scan with contrast.  She was not mentally prepared for an IV, contrast and the machine itself, and ended up taking a whole day off of work to recover.  She felt like a weenie compared to most people because this test wasn't that invasive.  After reading Sick Girl Speaks, we have to understand that everyone has different thresholds and experiences with illnesses/pain/tests/etc.  It's important to have empathy and compassion for people no matter how their situation or feelings compared to your's. Yes, compared to my heart cath, her CT scan with contrast was not as invasive.  But for Amanda, it was a big deal and truly threw her for a loop.  I understand that and do not blame her at all for her feelings.  Personally, I HATE having blood drawn and ABGs.  It's just a small, quick needle prick, but I get so anxious and upset (especially if they don't get it on the first try) nearly every time.  Yet, my husband can go and donate blood (my mind says - who would voluntarily have blood drawn???) and act like it's so easy-peasy.  Not it's not.  It's traumatic in my world.       

    Life is full of uncomfortable times.  It's important to accept it, not to dwell on it and keep going.  You can't always predict and prevent being uncomfortable.  And no one can take that uncomfort from you, though drugs can do a pretty good job :-)  This whole lung transplant process is very uncomfortable on many levels for me.  Not just the physical poking and proding ... but being anxious about the future poking and proding.  I have alot of procedures, blood draws, IVs, ABGs and pain in my future.  Sometimes, these thoughts consume my mind, and I truly think "I can't do this" even though everyone assures me that I can.  But if I quit this transplant path ... that means I'll die.  So really, there is no easy path at this point of my disease process.  That is a terrible feeling.  I'm not 100% comfortable yet with Duke taking over my medical care because I have been so comfortable with my CF team at UNC.  I know I will not be comfortable working out for 3 hours/day in rehab.  I am not comfortable with the change of not working.  I am not comfortable unloading groceries.  And Mama can't change that, though she tries so hard :-)  

   So, EVERY DAY we have to carry on, no matter what comforts or uncomforts life brings.