Losing Control

A few months ago, after an appointment at UNC's transplant center, my mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table, talking about if I should move forward with an evaluation.  My mom thought I should get going on the evaluation.  At that time, I still wasn't sure because:

A. I was in denial that I was sick enough to need a lung transplant

B. Anxious, because I knew the evaluation was a lot of poking, proding and other unpleasant things; quite the ordeal, if I do say so.

C.  Scared about what my future held if I started on the transplant track - stopping working, multiple appointments, telling my friends/family about lung transplant.  Things I didn't want to happen.

D. Overall, disappointed that I had let my lungs and my health get to this point.

E. And many, many other random thoughts that went through my head that day.

Mama said to me, as I was crying and staring at the floor and going in to my 'shut down' mode, "You are hesitant about a lung transplant because you can't control what will happen.  And I am mad because I can't fix it".  Wow.  What an insight, and it couldn't have been more true.  I am very stubborn, I like doing things on my terms and I feel like I know my body better than anyone.   So this evaluation, at a new hospital with people who do not know me but are essentially determining my fate .... ugh.  Not my ideal situation.  And my poor mother.  She can't fix the pain or anxiety or make my lungs better.  What a trying time for us both! 

As a Christian, I know God is ultimately in control of everything.  And I reap some satisfaction in that, surprisingly.   Michelle Duggar, of TLC's "19 Kids and Counting", once said something along the lines of, "I am glad we don't know the future.  How could we ever live in the moment and be happy if we knew what was going to happen to us?"  Such insight!  

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. 

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

--- Matthew 6:34